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The History of Coolpoints

Not a lot is known about the history of Coolpoints. However, in a routine check of the National Archives this mysterious document was turned up:

The Grand Master Sensei and the Dawning of the Age of Man

Right around the beginning of time (5,000 - 13.7 billion years ago depending on personal beliefs) there was created a famously well-toned being, who was burdened with a task no ordinary mortal could perform. His task, which after considerable rumination he chose to accept, was to decide upon and appropriately reward all beings and acts of awesomeness in the mortal realm. Exactly who gave him this task is a point of contention for some, though most scholars agree that he thought it up himself after slipping on an ice cube while trying to get some cold cuts out of a walk-in freezer.

This king of men is known only as The Grand Master Sensei. He wandered the universe, examining and studying all things as they were born and eventually faded into history. He strolled through time, linear and non-linear. He saw planets die, stars collide, galaxies form, and at one point he thought he saw David Duchovny at a gas station. His travels pained him, because as he watched creatures of all kinds evolve he was never able to concoct an appropriate way to reward them for the wondrous feats they were accomplishing. Nor could he figure out, the legend goes, a way to punish those who commit acts that are just super lame.

However, his wandering stopped one day, as he found a small, blue planet with a lot of potential. Unfortunately he immediately lost it, and while searching through his bathroom for it he discovered Earth. He took a close look, and finally found what he had been searching for. You see, it was at this very moment man was just emerging from the jungle, hairy and erect. The Grand Master Sensei saw in that race a potential that would make his divine purpose come to fruition.

He watched throughout the Paleolithic era, as cavemen would be talking in hushed whispers to caveladies, as they lay awake upon the cold, wet floor of their ancient cave. They would say to one another, "Grog blap click-click glarph meekel", which roughly translates via Rosetta stone into, "Grog, after we invent a written language and are able to sustain higher learning through organized agriculture, we need to determine a way to explain to one and other how good a mate we would make to attractive members of the other tribes."

Unfortunately, after this exchange, Grog and his mate were killed while attempting to club a Saber-toothed tiger after hours. Although the Grand Master Sensei failed to intervene in the fates of the people so far ahead of their time, it did give him the Idea that would change the fate of humanity, and possibly whales: he would add a numerical value to all things done in the service of impressing girls, known as coolpoints. (The Idea was later changed to include members of all sexes after years of fierce debate in the Senate.)

The concept of coolpoints found its way into the roots of almost all of human history, from the early days of cavemen, to the waning days of Renaissance, when Cosimo I de' Medici was determined to have so many "punti freddi" that he was made the first Grand Duke of Tuscany.

Finally, in the clear and present day, the magic of Coolpoints can finally be experienced without the risks of being mauled by a Saber-toothed tiger, being exiled for the failure to conquer the central Italian town of Lucca, or seeing David Duchovny. For the Grand Master Sensei has decided to embrace technology. He has temporarily handed the secrets of the coolpoint over to an elite team, and he will be along shortly as soon as he figures out how to work his Palm Pilot. Until the day he does, consider this website the central hub for decrees of badassery.

So say we all.